12 steps of spiritual growth for all of us – Step 3
Step 3 of the 12 step AA program is: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
For many people that I know, this step has been a stumbling block which prevents them from moving forward. The term god, for many people, is one which comes with a lot of negative baggage. The use of the male pronoun is also a negative for many. I have worked with/for individuals who could not get past their disappointment and anger at the “god” with whom they had been raised. This “god” was an angry, dictatorial, father figure who was forever reminding them of all ways that they messed up. This was a god of judgment and punishment. Even those coming from a so-called Christian background had not ‘heard’ the of love and forgivness which was embodied in the figure of Jesus.
I recall one client, in particular, who obsessed and obsessed on this step to the extent that he got so miserable he relapsed. One day he was complaining to the physician he saw, Dr. Virginia Hofreuter –Dulaney , and she said to him, “Oh for heavens sake, John, just called it a shoebox. The point is that the 12-step program is a “we” program of people who will help each other make healthy choices.” Dr. Ginny, as she was affectionately known, was a devout and very practical Christian. She often helped individuals open to new understandings of spirituality. Her higher power was not sensitive about what he/she/it was called.
What Ginny was attempting to get John to focus on was the fact that none of we humans can effectively do this spiritual journey alone. We will have times of feeling confused, weak, lonely and vulnerable to the temptation to seek what the program calls “a softer, easier way.” All too often, the “softer, easier way” is a very temporary solution which leaves a lot of garbage in its wake.
It seems as if we humans often believe that we need to know the “right” answers - that we have to make decisions without asking for directions. Many of we men (and some women) hate asking for directions. We believe that somehow our intelligence or worth is dependent on not having to ask for directions particularly in the area of emotional and spiritual development. We may get fearful of letting others see that we are vulnerable, sometimes weak, and ignorant. By ignorant I mean that none of us have all the answers we need to lead a healthy, rich, fulfilling life.
Even though I have certainly been guilty of not asking for help when I needed it, especially for physical jobs, I have always had wise mentors in my life. Sometimes these mentors were long deceased people such as Plato, Aristotle, the Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Dickinson, my Uncle Harold, Wanda, my grandmother Pickett, or any number of other generous people. Sometimes it was a colleague, or a client (it is true that the student is the teacher and the teacher is a student). Whether I believe a higher power was speaking through a mentor or just that some people had something I wanted did not matter. What mattered was that, even as a very insecure, probably obnoxious young man, I “knew” that I needed the support and advice of others.
Some would suggest that what we are really hearing when we listen to the advice of others is the wise person within us that we cannot hear until we get the distance of listening to someone else. Sometimes just writing something down gives me some of the distance I need. Some would say that the wise voice from another or deep within ourselves is the voice of the God of our understanding which is always available when we listen.
Regardless of one’s individual belief, the fact is that I frequently need help in seeing other possibilities or a more expansive view of the world or myself. My feelings of fear, anxiety, and general discomfort may be so great that I get convinced that I have to do whatever it takes to quiet those feelings. One might engage in addictive behavior such as alcohol, other drugs, work, anger, other self-abuse or abuse of others, or dissociation. One might start taking out one’s frustration and anger on others. One might try some other way of numbing out so that one does not have to deal with the feelings which seem so overwhelming. Reaching out to another for support and guidance can often help one get over the hump, so to speak.
Part of the basic philosophy of the 12-step program is that one joins with others struggling with the same issue to get help and to give help. Sometimes individuals recovering from addiction or other “dis eases” start feeling better and forget that others need their help or that they continue to need guidance. That is a common mistake of many of we humans. Whether getting well involves prayer, meetings, medication or some other help, we humans have a habit of stopping as soon as we are feeling better no matter what “the doctor” has advised or prescribed.
It may be that we do not want to reach out for help because we are still getting some pleasure from our overall unhealthy behavior or are convincing ourselves that if we just keep engaging in that behavior we will eventually feel “the high” for which we are hoping. A wonderful young woman I know who has a rich spiritual history is refusing to use her spiritual tools because she does not want to face the fact that the person with whom she is in love is not available and may not be available for a long time. Someone else that I know has convinced himself that if the stress of his unhealthy job will not disable him before he is financially ready to leave.
All of us need a support system of people who love us unconditionally and love us enough to tell us when we are having a “stupid” attack. We all have them! There is no shame in having a “stupid” attack. There is a price to be paid for not having or not listening to “the God of our understanding – good orderly advice – when we may least feel like we want to hear that advice.
Often the addict coming into recovery has hit bottom meaning that they have lost a relationship(s), a job, all their money, physical health, and self-respect. They are desperate and may be willing to trust a sponsor or the God of their understanding. Sometimes those of us who have not hit our bottom – whose lives do not seem terrible yet – convince ourselves that we are getting away with some unhealthy behavior. We can continue to overwork even though it is causing more and more distance with our family. We may continue to smoke cigarettes even though all our family and friends show us the latest research about how risky it is. We may continue to engage in risky sexual behavior because we can now take medication to treat most sexually transmitted diseases or take some action if there is a chance of pregnancy.
We humans are very capable of convincing ourselves of what a part of us wants to believe. Often we want to believe that we are the exception to the rule. We are going to be that person who wins back all the money we have lost when gambling. We are that person who can starve themselves to lose weight and stay healthy. We are that person who can wait until the last minute to finish projects or school assignments and still do well. There is no end to the lies of which we so-called bright, high functioning people can convince ourselves. It is only through paying attention to our mentor, sponsor, good friend, the wiser part of ourselves – the “God” of our understanding when we pray, that we are going to “hear” the truth.
When we turn our will and our lives over to the God of our understanding we are essentially admitting to our humanness – to the fact that this amazing mind of ours can, when left to its own devices – convince us of whatever we want to believe.
For some of us it takes great strength and courage to admit to our humanness. For others it seems easier. We need to help each other and to accept help from each other. Whether we believe that the prime or ultimate source of that help is a literal God/supreme being/entity or the wise part of ourselves which often gives better advice to others than we give ourselves or another person or group may not matter. It is enough to know that the wisdom of step 3 of the 12-step program applies to all of we humans.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
written September 8, 2015
Step 3 of the 12 step AA program is: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
For many people that I know, this step has been a stumbling block which prevents them from moving forward. The term god, for many people, is one which comes with a lot of negative baggage. The use of the male pronoun is also a negative for many. I have worked with/for individuals who could not get past their disappointment and anger at the “god” with whom they had been raised. This “god” was an angry, dictatorial, father figure who was forever reminding them of all ways that they messed up. This was a god of judgment and punishment. Even those coming from a so-called Christian background had not ‘heard’ the of love and forgivness which was embodied in the figure of Jesus.
I recall one client, in particular, who obsessed and obsessed on this step to the extent that he got so miserable he relapsed. One day he was complaining to the physician he saw, Dr. Virginia Hofreuter –Dulaney , and she said to him, “Oh for heavens sake, John, just called it a shoebox. The point is that the 12-step program is a “we” program of people who will help each other make healthy choices.” Dr. Ginny, as she was affectionately known, was a devout and very practical Christian. She often helped individuals open to new understandings of spirituality. Her higher power was not sensitive about what he/she/it was called.
What Ginny was attempting to get John to focus on was the fact that none of we humans can effectively do this spiritual journey alone. We will have times of feeling confused, weak, lonely and vulnerable to the temptation to seek what the program calls “a softer, easier way.” All too often, the “softer, easier way” is a very temporary solution which leaves a lot of garbage in its wake.
It seems as if we humans often believe that we need to know the “right” answers - that we have to make decisions without asking for directions. Many of we men (and some women) hate asking for directions. We believe that somehow our intelligence or worth is dependent on not having to ask for directions particularly in the area of emotional and spiritual development. We may get fearful of letting others see that we are vulnerable, sometimes weak, and ignorant. By ignorant I mean that none of us have all the answers we need to lead a healthy, rich, fulfilling life.
Even though I have certainly been guilty of not asking for help when I needed it, especially for physical jobs, I have always had wise mentors in my life. Sometimes these mentors were long deceased people such as Plato, Aristotle, the Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Dickinson, my Uncle Harold, Wanda, my grandmother Pickett, or any number of other generous people. Sometimes it was a colleague, or a client (it is true that the student is the teacher and the teacher is a student). Whether I believe a higher power was speaking through a mentor or just that some people had something I wanted did not matter. What mattered was that, even as a very insecure, probably obnoxious young man, I “knew” that I needed the support and advice of others.
Some would suggest that what we are really hearing when we listen to the advice of others is the wise person within us that we cannot hear until we get the distance of listening to someone else. Sometimes just writing something down gives me some of the distance I need. Some would say that the wise voice from another or deep within ourselves is the voice of the God of our understanding which is always available when we listen.
Regardless of one’s individual belief, the fact is that I frequently need help in seeing other possibilities or a more expansive view of the world or myself. My feelings of fear, anxiety, and general discomfort may be so great that I get convinced that I have to do whatever it takes to quiet those feelings. One might engage in addictive behavior such as alcohol, other drugs, work, anger, other self-abuse or abuse of others, or dissociation. One might start taking out one’s frustration and anger on others. One might try some other way of numbing out so that one does not have to deal with the feelings which seem so overwhelming. Reaching out to another for support and guidance can often help one get over the hump, so to speak.
Part of the basic philosophy of the 12-step program is that one joins with others struggling with the same issue to get help and to give help. Sometimes individuals recovering from addiction or other “dis eases” start feeling better and forget that others need their help or that they continue to need guidance. That is a common mistake of many of we humans. Whether getting well involves prayer, meetings, medication or some other help, we humans have a habit of stopping as soon as we are feeling better no matter what “the doctor” has advised or prescribed.
It may be that we do not want to reach out for help because we are still getting some pleasure from our overall unhealthy behavior or are convincing ourselves that if we just keep engaging in that behavior we will eventually feel “the high” for which we are hoping. A wonderful young woman I know who has a rich spiritual history is refusing to use her spiritual tools because she does not want to face the fact that the person with whom she is in love is not available and may not be available for a long time. Someone else that I know has convinced himself that if the stress of his unhealthy job will not disable him before he is financially ready to leave.
All of us need a support system of people who love us unconditionally and love us enough to tell us when we are having a “stupid” attack. We all have them! There is no shame in having a “stupid” attack. There is a price to be paid for not having or not listening to “the God of our understanding – good orderly advice – when we may least feel like we want to hear that advice.
Often the addict coming into recovery has hit bottom meaning that they have lost a relationship(s), a job, all their money, physical health, and self-respect. They are desperate and may be willing to trust a sponsor or the God of their understanding. Sometimes those of us who have not hit our bottom – whose lives do not seem terrible yet – convince ourselves that we are getting away with some unhealthy behavior. We can continue to overwork even though it is causing more and more distance with our family. We may continue to smoke cigarettes even though all our family and friends show us the latest research about how risky it is. We may continue to engage in risky sexual behavior because we can now take medication to treat most sexually transmitted diseases or take some action if there is a chance of pregnancy.
We humans are very capable of convincing ourselves of what a part of us wants to believe. Often we want to believe that we are the exception to the rule. We are going to be that person who wins back all the money we have lost when gambling. We are that person who can starve themselves to lose weight and stay healthy. We are that person who can wait until the last minute to finish projects or school assignments and still do well. There is no end to the lies of which we so-called bright, high functioning people can convince ourselves. It is only through paying attention to our mentor, sponsor, good friend, the wiser part of ourselves – the “God” of our understanding when we pray, that we are going to “hear” the truth.
When we turn our will and our lives over to the God of our understanding we are essentially admitting to our humanness – to the fact that this amazing mind of ours can, when left to its own devices – convince us of whatever we want to believe.
For some of us it takes great strength and courage to admit to our humanness. For others it seems easier. We need to help each other and to accept help from each other. Whether we believe that the prime or ultimate source of that help is a literal God/supreme being/entity or the wise part of ourselves which often gives better advice to others than we give ourselves or another person or group may not matter. It is enough to know that the wisdom of step 3 of the 12-step program applies to all of we humans.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
written September 8, 2015
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